At long last, I bring you From the Husband. Let me explain. Back when I was pregnant in 2009, we started a typical little family blog to share all of our pregnancy updates with friends and family. Well, my husband wrote several humorous entries that got some laughs. Since it’s been awhile, I thought we’d revisit some of those. So, here we go…
From a first-time father-to-be:
Ahhh… the trials and tribulations of walking around with a pregnant belly. Of course there’s the steadily increasingly frequent potty breaks. There is the continuously shrinking kitchen – is the kitchen really shrinking or is she just getting bigger? And, of course, making sure that she doesn’t laugh so hard that she accidentally… well, you know. None of these things are bad. Actually, they can be quite humorous and fun at times.
But, few dividends of being with child are so commonly, and yet somehow still unexpectedly, experienced as the mysterious affect a pregnant belly has on strangers’ desire to give their polarizing, unsolicited opinions and their uncanny need to touch the belly.
Now, don’t get me wrong here. Advice, suggestions, and funny stories are fine – up to a certain point. And Brooke usually doesn’t mind at all if you want to rub her belly – as long as she knows you and your hands are warm. But, that’s not what we’re talking about here.
We’re talking about annoying remarks from the cashier at WalMart or the random person in the cereal aisle that wants to put both hands on the belly and starts mumbling weird chants under their breath. That’s what we’re talking about here.
Here are a few funny, contradicting, or redundantly annoying thing we’ve heard over the last few months. Any of them sound familiar?
- “Well, back in my day…” (in a tone of, “You don’t know what you’re doing.”)
- “Oh, you’re going to give birth in a hospital? Home births are the only way to go.” (in a tone of, “You don’t know what you’re doing.”)
- “Well, I don’t believe in epidurals.” (in a tone of, “You don’t know what you’re doing.”)
- “You’re actually going back to work?!” (in a tone of, “You don’t love your baby.”)
- “You’re actually going to stay home for more than a week before going back to work?!” (in a tone of, “Selfish people like you are why we’re in a recession.”)
- “Please don’t tell me you want people to wash their hands before they hold your baby…” (which sounds to me like, “I don’t wash my hands after going to the bathroom.”)
- “Oh, you’re pregnant? Man, that pain is a drag.” (She couldn’t have been a day over 17. So, we’ll give her a pass.)
- “Well… we put babies to sleep on their stomachs and they turned out just fine.” (Well then pass the Marlboros and Wild Turkey, because you smoked half a pack a day while still pregnant and drank after dinner each night to calm the baby down a bit. Does that still apply or has science updated us on that too?)
- “Put the baby on a feeding schedule as soon as possible!” (with such polarizing certainty)
- “If you put the baby on a feeding schedule, she’ll get fat!” (with such polarizing certainty)
- “Be careful who you let hold the baby… shaking a baby is fatal.” (Who do you think we’d let hold the baby? Goober the idiot Circus Boy or Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men?!)
And honorable mentions:
- “We were going to name our little girl that too! That is, until she was born and she turned out to be a boy. But that probably won’t happen to you.” (This one wasn’t annoying, but was simply funny.)
- “How long ’til your bun’s done, Hun?!” is an actual quote we were asked by a waitress about a week ago. I kid you not. When she walked away I asked Brooke, “Did she just say, ‘How long ’til your bun’s done, Hun?!’?” She just looked at me trying to keep a straight face and said with slight laughter in her voice, “I really can’t talk about this right now…” Hilarious.
Honestly, most of the quotes that we get aren’t rude or annoying in principal. It’s all in the nuance of the delivery. It’s when it comes across as condescending or absolute that it’s annoying.So, if you ever see a pregnant lady and you feel one of these sentences coming on… just stop and think about it. Instead, just lean over and say quietly in the tone of an inside joke, “I bet you’re expecting me to say something like, “How long ’til your bun’s done, Hun?!”